Pg 27 - My Life

Well today has been an exciting day. My daughter Regina tried out for the National Anthem at the Goodyear Ball Park.  I enjoyed watching her sing. She has such a beautiful voice.  She will find out next week if she will be one of the contestants to sing before a baseball game this coming season. So on with my story.

First I want to say that in the Bible, God states that all sins are equal. One sin is not worse than another. It is just the fact that you sinned, and you must confess and become clean again.  

On October 20 my mom had a surprise party for my dad who turned 70 yrs old.  You should have seen his face when he walked into the living room and saw his children, their spouses, his mother in law, and his friends. My mom had an accordion player there playing some of dad’s favorite tunes.  My parents looked as cute as they danced together.  Jimmy and I were there in body, and I hope I was there in spirit for my dad, but I took walks with my sisters talking about another man. I told them what happened and asked them what to do.  It isn’t like I am having an affair but, I kissed another man, which is something I
am totally against.  They knew my husband’s history, and their answer was as long as I wasn’t having an affair, why should I say anything. 

Ed, Nanci, Patti, John, Tommy, Beverly Jimmy Darlene, Grandma Clara, Ally, Marie

I was not having an affair, but when I closed my eyes at night I saw Eric’s face instead of my husbands and that scared me.  The mind is a powerful thing. It speaks to you in many different ways. Mine was conflicted with telling my husband what happened or keeping it a secret forever.  That raises another question, how can you be married to someone if you are keeping secrets.   

Life went on that month with our Halloween traditions and now both Jimmy and I sort of ignoring each other. I am not sure he could tell I was ignoring him, because he was caught up in his own world of  porn, but I was.  Halloween was fun carving the pumpkins and this time Jimmy helped Adias. We went trick or treating my with my paramedic friend Jenny and her kids and before you knew it Thanksgiving was around the corner. 

We went back to Chicago to spend the holiday with Grandpa Joe and my sister in law.  Kristina and Aaron showed up and Grandpa started to show a little bit of dementia.  We didn’t think it was anything to worry about.  Joanne was living with him, keeping an eye on him, and told us that sometimes when she came home from work, she noticed that Grandpa Joe didn’t eat anything all day except cookies.  My father in law loves to eat and we should have known that this meant something, but then we were in our own worlds.

I also had a talk with my sister in law about what happened to me and if I should tell Jimmy. She was intrigued and maybe a little disappointed to see that nothing else happened.  Her advice was to not say anything after all it isn’t like you slept with the guy, you only kissed him. Why should I upset the boat while it is floating just fine?

Back row: Adias, Jennifer, Joanne, Grandpa Joe, Jimmy, Regina Front row: Aaron, Kristina, Marie Jessica, Mellisa, Erik

We took the kids to Chicago and of course started it with Giordano’s Pizza. The kids had fun watching the dough being thrown in the air as we watched our pizza’s being made.  One thing about Chicago is at Christmas they go all out on the window decorations and the stores are done so beautifully.  Jimmy was agitated with me that day because of all I wanted to see. It was cold and he doesn’t see Chicago like I do. But he walked around with us pouting the whole time.

Christmas came around and we did our usual routine with decorating of the Christmas tree and makig cookies, but Jimmy started becoming nicer to me.  And on Christmas morning, when I opened up my gifts from him, he had six porcelain angels wrapped up. He told me that he is so sorry for how he has been acting and that he is so lucky to be married to an angel.  This was hard for me to take. I was not an angel. I had done something that I could not fix and my conscious kept bothering me.  Later that Christmas Day we ventured to Aunt Mary’s house for our annual get together. It was great to see all of them, yet at the same time, my mind was working over time.

I could not stand myself or the deceit I was carrying so I wrote Jimmy a long letter and put it on his car. 
He read this letter, and later I showed up at his work. He was so angry and hurt.  I was the only thing in his life he thought he didn’t have to worry about and I just messed that up.  He drilled me over and over again and then he called Erik to see if he would say the same thing.  Our stories matched but Jimmy just couldn’t believe that there wasn’t more. So he would sit outside of Eric’s station to see if I was secretly coming by to see him and of course that never happened.

Jimmy went through many different emotions.  One day he would have the room lit with candles and soft music and make love to me while the next day he would be angry with me for being unfaithful to him.  I hated to have him so disappointed with me but at the same time, I could not live with myself with what I had done. I did not want to have a lie between us.  

Sorry I am getting off so early today. Not quite 1000 words but I will be back on Monday. Just remember that it is important to be honest with each other if you want a good and lasting marriage