I am very lucky at this moment in time. I got to work, cleaned the station, made sure the truck is all stocked so that we can run at a moments notice and it is quiet. So I am going to try and take advantage of this time and write. Back to my story.
It is a hard thing to digest when the person you love, tells you he now is not sure. Not sure of what? I don't know if he had any idea how he broke my heart when he said he wanted us to start dating other people. We were married. It was like he slapped me in the face, I could not understand. I cried a lot and we had talks with our parents as they tried to act like marriage counselors. Was I being punished? Tom came back to my mind. Yes, I thought, I was being punished for how I hurt him. So I got out some stationary and wrote him a letter. I told him how sorry I was that I hurt him, and that I had made love with Jimmy while in Indiana so I had no choice but to marry him. I told Tom he deserved someone much better than me. I didn't know where to send it so I sent it to his parent's house. I can only hope he received it.
Divorce is not in my vocabulary. I didn't believe in divorce. I believed in our vows. Everyone interprets the Bible in different ways and I read it saying that once you gave yourself to a man, in God's eyes you were married. Jimmy and I had talked about that, and I believe in God's eyes, Jimmy is committing adultery. The way I read the Bible is Divorce is not permitted. That if we divorce and marry another we are committing adultery. I also read that you are permitted to Divorce if your partner is unfaithful, but you are not allowed to get married. The vows that were spoken said till death do you part and I hung on to every word.
Jimmy told me before we were married that his mother told him, I was good for him, that I would keep him young and alive. During our short courting days Jimmy was going out with a girl named Janice at the same time as me. I found that out later. Anyway I remember one day at the lounge he introduced me to her, and said he would be right back, he was going to walk her out to her car. I waited for over an hour for his return. There was another boy who was infatuated with me, and told me he would bring me home because Jimmy was my ride. But I waited. It hurt to know he was making out with her in her car instead of coming right back to me. He apologized saying that he wasn't going out with her anymore. He said that as he looked at the two of us sitting in that lounge that night, he could see how fake she was and how honest and real I was and that I was what he wanted. I guess you can say he sweet talked me and I got over being mad. I wanted to believe everything he told me. I didn't lie and I was so naive I thought everyone was the same.
So now knowing he was sitting at the restaurant with a waitress, talking instead of coming home to his wife and child hurt. With the knowledge that he all of a sudden wasn't sure if we should stay married hurt even worse. How long had we been married? Three years and he could fall out of love that fast?
Well we worked through it and wouldn't you know it, I was pregnant again. Being pregnant was fun for me. I especially loved to hear the babies' heart beat and finally feeling the baby moving inside me gave me such peace. But the delivery was not what I expected. My sister Patti had a baby first in the family. She said she had a couple of pains, got to the hospital and the baby was born, nothing to it. So of course I believed her. I am so naive. The day the pains started I took a bath and shaved my legs and pits so I would be presentable. We went to a Catholic Hospital and there I lay in a bed and waited and waited and waited. The pains got worse and worse but I would not dilate. They had straps around my waist and the baby monitor on. A Nun sat in there with me most of the time. Back in those days the father or parents could not be with you, they had to stay in a waiting room. Every time I got a contraction, I would yell, and the Nun would look at this piece of equipment and tell me that the contraction was not bad enough for me to yell. How does she know? Did she ever have a baby? And my sister was wrong. It did hurt and the baby didn't decide to come out for many, many hours. In fact with my first one, they finally put the oxygen mask on me and knocked me out. All I could remember was seeing something black between my legs, because they had a mirror hanging up, and I yelled something about my baby being in a bag. As I felt the life leaving me when they strapped on the mask, I remember saying in my mind Good Bye Baby. The next thing I remembered was waking up to someone slapping me in the face. Thank heavens baby number two was a much easier delivery. But it was still long and dragged out and I couldn't wait until I saw the new little person we were having. Back in those days we didn't have ultra sound to see the baby in the womb, so of course the first thing I would do when they finally gave my baby to me was unwrap the sweet thing and check out the fingers and toes. I want to put up a picture of my two sweet darlings but I am at work so tomorrow I will try to upload them on here.
They say Love is Blind. Your feelings of love suppress the activity of the brain that control critical thought. That statement is so true. You want to believe everything the person you are in love with tells you. Just remember that when you come across a situation and you think you were made a fool. I will get back on this tomorrow.
I am the Author
a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and still believe in the power of love &